My First Confession - Part 2

Alright, carrying on with it!  So, a little more about who I am now, then a little more about how I got here.  I mentioned my difficulty in high school, dealing with depression and feelings of isolation, and not understanding why I felt like I was the only one feeling that way.  I think not knowing that I was autistic was a major contributor to my lack of identity.  It was very hard to define myself when I couldn't look around and compare my perception of myself to my perception of others.  I spent a great deal of time 'pretending' to know what my peers were doing and feeling, and this consumed a great deal of my energy.  I think though, that learning to mimic the behaviors of those around me was instrumental in the development of my acting skill and ability.  When the opportunity to be in a play came up, the skills I learned in the hallways transferred neatly onto the stage.  Perhaps this is why I feel so at home when I am acting.

Anyhow, I now consider performing to be part of the core of who I am.  I have always felt an affinity for the stage.  Many times the relationships and interactions I take part in on the stage feel more real to me than those that take place in my day to day life.  I imagine this is because everything on stage is scripted.  I can know and understand exactly what others are feeling and communicating, because it is written in stone.  Because I don't have to actively process this information, I can then place my focus inward, to really dig within myself to discover how I might communicate the feelings my character is experiencing.  This does not often happen outside of the theater for me.

I think this is also why I have developed a strong attachment to music and film.  Watching movies allows me to experience the emotions that I otherwise am rather oblivious to.  In high school I was particularly influenced by the movie Moulin Rouge.  The first time I watched it I was spell bound.  I wanted to feel the way the penniless writer felt, utterly lost in passion and love.  I wanted it to be real.  When the movie came to a close, I felt my heart break as Satine passed away, and I experienced the desolation that Christian feels as everything he believes in crumbles from underneath him. 

Music has been central in my emotional development.  I oftentimes forget the power it has for me, and will go for weeks or months without feeling much of anything.  Life will become a dull exercise, and a redundant chore.  And then, I will click on a facebook link or watch a youtube video, and everything will come pouring out.  Music has helped me to grieve, and to celebrate.  It has taught me how to release, and it continues to be a dominant force in my life.

So, performance is how I express myself.  Whether through music, theater, or film, by performing I am able to experience the manifestation of my inner being.  But that is only a part of who I am.  To perform there are all sorts of barriers I must cross.  Anxiety, apprehension, and self-doubt to name a few.  The other part of who I am lies in how I have managed to break through these barriers, and how I continue to deal with them.

I believe wholeheartedly that the key to happiness in life, no matter who or where you are, or what you are doing, begins with the health and maintenance of one's body.  Our mind depends on the successful functioning of our physical body, and vice versa.  They are co-dependent.  This is something I have come to learn while training at the gym.  I am by no means a perfect example of healthy living - but I strive to be aware of the things that I do that harm and benefit my body.  Someday I do hope I really will be that example of healthy living, so that I can passionately communicate the foundation of my success.  As with anything else though, this is a process and it is one that cannot be rushed.  The progress I have made over the last three years is something I am very proud of, and it is something that motivates me to continue to first be aware of the things I do that negatively affect my well-being, and then to address those behaviors and change them for the benefit of my body, mind, and soul.  It's a journey that will never really end, as there will always be ways in which I can improve.

This is why I decided to become a personal trainer.  When I began going to the gym, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, what to expect, or how to go about achieving the vague goals I had in mind.  I enlisted the help of a personal trainer, and it remains one of the most important and instrumental decisions I have made on my journey to self-acceptance.  He gave me the direction I needed to feel validated, and challenged me to believe in myself and the possibilities that exist for those who that work hard to achieve their goals.  Under his guidance, and through my own willpower, I learned how to be confident and assertive, despite not necessarily feeling that way.  This was my first step into the process of accepting myself.  Learning that I was autistic certainly served to cement and solidify this acceptance, but I think it is important to note that my belief in myself does not depend on that knowledge, it is enhanced by it. 

I want to be able to share with others, what my personal trainer was able to share with me.  I know there are many out there who struggle with the same feelings that dominated my adolescent existence, and I want to be help them realize their potential.  So after I had been going to the gym for a few years, I signed up for the Can-Fit Pro self-study exam challenge, spent 6 months studying and learning on my own, and then travelled to Winnipeg to write an exam and complete a practical assessment.  That day was one of the most nerve-wracking days of my life.  I had to traverse completely foreign territory and meet new people, and communicate confidence and self-assuredness that I assure you I did not feel in the slightest.  All of the skills I had developed and continue to develop were put into action, and I felt very much like running away.  But I persevered, and the work I had put into studying and learning paid off. 

The hardest part of the day was the practical exam.  For any of you who have been to a gym, you know that at first, it can be a terribly intimidating place.  Well I have gotten pretty use to the small gym where I work, and have gotten to know a good number of people who use it.  But I was not prepared for the behemoth that awaited me in Winnipeg.  For my practical exam I had to develop a workout plan for a fictional client, and then take that client through a "session", under the scrutiny of a pro-trainer.  In private, I could have done this easily - I was prepared, I knew what I was doing.  I didn't realize I would be doing it in a very busy gym in a big city.  Needless to say, that flight response kicked in full gear, and my knees were pretty wobbly.  Being amidst so many people was incredibly daunting, and having to "train" my dad in front of all of them was a challenge I had not anticipated.  (My dad accompanied me on the trip and got to play the part of 28 year old Maria, my pretend client!).

The point of all this though, is that I did face the challenge.  I passed the practical with an 89%.  I covered all of the technical bases, and the  only comments were that I should have interacted more with the client - I spent sixty minutes talking pretty much non-stop because I was so nervous!  But I covered all the information I needed to, and then some.  Walking out of that gym, knowing I had finished what I had set out to do six months before, in the face of some pretty scary challenges filled me with confidence and self-respect that I continue to draw on in times of doubt.  Now I want to use that knowledge and experience to help others achieve the same sense of self-confidence.

I sometimes wonder how high school might have been different if I knew then, what I know today.  Of course it would have been, but taking that into consideration, I have to admit that I wouldn't have wanted it that way.  Sure high school was a difficult time for me, and yes I did deal with some pretty scary lows.  But if I hadn't had to deal with that difficulty, I never would have learned how to value and believe in myself.  And high school was not all bad, by any means.  I had a lot of fun too.  I did have friends, just not close friends.  My lows were complimented by highs, and there was plenty of happiness to be had.  That didn't make it less of a struggle, but it made the the fight worthwhile.   Knowing that I never gave up then is motivation to to continue to press on today.

When I graduated from Crocus Plains, I had no sense of direction.  I didn't know what I wanted to do and still felt overwhelmed by my sense of difference.  I felt I had cut off ties with all the people I had gone to high school with, and after working at McDonalds on the night shift for a couple of years, I hit an all-time low, and had to get away from Brandon.  I ended up going to the same school as my older brother, St. Francis Xavier, for one year.  That marked the beginning of a very dark period in my life.  Whereas as high school was difficult, I still experienced a sense of purpose and direction there.  Leaving behind the corridors and classrooms left me feeling very empty, and travelling thousands of kilometers away from home served to intensify the loneliness I felt.  Nova Scotia will always be the beginning of the end to me, as my time there served as both the final catalyst in my breaking down, and the stimulating jolt that woke me up.  But more on that tomorrow, I must practice my lines for Buddy Holly!

If you've stuck with me this far, thanks again, and as always your thoughts and commentary are appreciated.  Thanks to those who liked and commented on my previous post, the response has left me with a very warm feeling.

Peace and sanity be upon us!